The yes and no's to poetry

So today in large group chem I decided to do what I always do in large group chem: write poetry. Because really large group is super boring and everything that is said in there will be repeated in small group so I don't feel the need to pay a great amount of attention in there. Plus I've come up with some pretty cool poetry in large group.

Any ways back to my point. I started to write a poem, and it sounded pretty good. It was about me moving and leaving behind the boy I loved but I felt that he didn't love me back. This is not based off of real life, because for one all the boys in my life love and care about me and they are all going to cry the day I move. So this is where the problem started, I was writing completely made up stuff and it felt like I was lying. Rule number one in poetry: don't ever lie! Exagerating is ok and making up a sinario as long as the feelings are true is perfectlty fine. But you just don't lie.

So in French class as I was reading through what I wrote and I just felt like it wasn't right. So I tore it up and through it away and I felt good about it.

Update

I went on a poetry binge today. I hadn't added anything to my other blog it quite a while and today I was very much inspired and wrote two new poems. So all those who care to check out Emily's poetic geinus just follow my link and I have 3 almost never seen before poems. Almost because Patrick has seen 2 of them before.

Picture!!!!

It may of taken a million years, but I finelly got a picture on my profile. Thank you Patrick for walking me through it, because I totally could not of done that myself. Me and computers don't get along. Also thank you to Morgan taking and photoshopping this awesome picture of me. Click on it a couple times and you can see it up close. It really is great. So yes, now you can all marvel at my beauty, lol j/k I'm not that stuck on myself.

I did it!!!!!

Ok so for about a year I've been complaining that I don't know who I am because I'm constantly hiding behind my acts. Well not any more, I have found the real me. And all it took to find her was a pleasent bus ride and some time alone in my room.

It all started yesterday while riding the bus home. I had my own seat, a rare luxaury on our bus, listening to my iPod and I just felt real. It was odd in those 15 minutes I felt like myself for the first time in my life. I knew in those moments that this was the real Emily. Of course the revilation was lost when this stupid kid was trying to show me some trick with his mp3 player, I ignored him and turned the volume up on my iPod.

The revilation continued today though while spending some time alone in my room. I had just recieved a bunch of new music and was bored out of my mind so I decided to go through and listen to all of it. As I was listening I got the sudden urge to dance. So I got up and just started dancing. And dancing really bad at that, but it didn't matter because that feeling came back and I didn't want it to go away. So I danced until my legs didn't want to stand anymore, about hour. During that hour though I loved myself, which is really an achievement for someone really bad self-esteem.

So here's what I learned about myself: I am smart, I'm comfortable with how I look, I'm fairly introverted, I enjoy having time to just be alone, and like to try new things. I dress kind of preppy, but inside I feel like I belong at a punk rock concert. I love reading and writing. I can't dance, but I do it anways. I'm boy crazy, but not really the tease people see me as. I'm somewhat inscure and I am terrified of people seeing me mess up. I guess now that I seen it in words I knew all along this was me, but some of my acts were just hiding me from myself. Now the trick will be to be myself all the time, not just when I'm alone.

I'm tired

This week has been soooooooooo long and it's still not over. I can't even begin to tell you how long and drug out it has been because it's just that bad, plus it might bore you to death. But any ways I think it has to do with this being the first week of Nicole being gone. Everything was upbeat and fun when she was here now I go to school and look for the person who's suposed to step up and fill her spot but I can't anyone. In a way I guess I've been trying to take up her postition but it's not working because I'm not as funny as her and I'm missing the giant boobs.

My mom is gone as well so that sorta adds to it. I love my mommy and I can't wait until she comes home. I really missed her when she wasn't there for me when Nicole left.

Tech started. That's pretty fun, but I really only have one good friend there. Plus there is this stupid little kid that drives me insane! OMG he is the appidamey (sp?) of stupid freshmen. He thinks he knows exactly what to do and that he can do it better than anyone else. One day I'm gonna knock him over the head with a hammer when no ones looking. But for the most part I like it, it's something new I've never tried and I'm not super bad at it. I usually really suck at building things and painting, but I haven't messed anything up yet so I guess I'm not as bad as I thought.

Math this sememster is kicking my ass. It is sooo hard that it makes me want to cry. I'm really not cut out for honors math class and I want to kill Mr. Vogal for thinking I could handle it. Chemistry is getting harder as well. Science and math my two least favorite subjects are the ones that are getting tougher, why? If they were throwing harder English stuff at me I could probably handle it but no. I hate school.

So pretty much I am completely exahuasted from this week. The thing is though is I'm afraid all the weeks left until I move are going to be like this. I hope not or else I'll never survive.

Blah

This morning I lied in bed and decided that I was not going to get up. Not because I was lazy and tired, but because I thought if I slept through the day it would be like it did not happen and that way I could call up Nicole on Sunday and she'd be home to say, "Hey, what's up?". But it didn't work because I ended up getting out of bed still, and not only that but I showered and dressed and have continued my usual Saturday rutine. So Saturday did come and Nicole is gone.

Yesterday was pretty terrible. A bunch of my friends and I went to the movies to be Nicole one last time. The movie I hated because parts were so stressful I felt like I had to cry for the character and in the end everyone was with the wrong person but some how happy with it. I refused to be happy just because they were, the ending was wrong whether charactors see that or not means nothing to me. Well after the movie we stepped out of the theater and were standing there talking, giving good bye hugs. When I got to Nicole I stayed with her for a moment and out of no where tears drenched my face and her arm. This caught me completely by surprise because I had yet to cry since I found out about her moving. Well my crying caused a chain reaction of crying until all the girls there were crying. After getting over my tears a little bit I left. Since I'm the only one of my friends that can drive, I was the first one to leave.

That was the last time I saw her. I'm not sure when the next time I see her will be or if there will be a next time. My mom said I can have her over to our new house in Virginia this summer, since she will only be a few hours away when we move. But I don't know what's going to happen. It's funny how I'm so upset over her leaving when I'm going to be doing the same thing in 5 months. I guess I just didn't expect her to go first. But if this is what it feels like to have one friend leave, I can't fathom what it's going to be like leaving all my friends.

How life crumbles

When I started this school year I came into with little hope of it being any better than it was the year before. Quickly I realized though I was dead wrong. I found myself a kinda new group of friends and they are just the most fantastic group of people ever. I have had some much fun this school year with these people, and even when I found out I was moving it didn't get me down because at the time I still had 9 months with them. 9 months I expected to make the most of, but somewhere between Nicole and Patrick breaking up and yesterday this awesome life fell to peices.

You see, I made the mistake of flirting with my best friends. Chris, greatest British guy I know, kinda fell in love with me. But I really don't feel the same. Then the couple we all thought would last forever, Nicole and Patrick, broke up. This is okay, but sorta made things awkward at the lunch table. Few months later, my best and really only girl friend, has to move. And it's not like me where she gets to finish up the school year before she goes, nope this weekend. I thought my moving would be the saddest thing to happen this year, but boy was I wrong. So Nicole's leaving me to be the only female at the lunch table, surounded by nerdy boys who have crushes on me. Could this year fall lower?

There are still a few good things left, Morgan and I have been really close lately. I'm doing tech for the school musical with Patrick which has the potentional to become really fun after we get to know everyone and actuelly have something to do. Oh well I guess I'll just have to wait to see if things get better.

Update

I put up another poem, for any one cares to read it. Though I'm starting to realize not a lot people actuelly read my blog. That doesn't bother me though, I just like having a place to put my thoughts down.